inee

What?!

2010-12-17T15:24:00.001-08:00

Where did 2010 go? Is this what getting older is like? The cliche of time slipping through my fingers like sand? I can't even remember what I did last week, nevertheless this entire year. What I am happy to report is that I am happy. It's been a while since I've been genuinely happy and so I'm embracing this found-again feeling with full enthusiasm.

I was expected to ditch nostalgia, regret, debt and expectations in 2010. Maybe I'm happy because I can say that I've succeeded! I've been able to cut out all of the dead by cutting my ties with nostalgia. I have photos and old blogs for memories and no longer feel the need to constantly revive things that were long gone. Regret hasn't plagued me in a long while. I was fortunate to pay off the debts I've wanted to pay off (will we EVER truly be debt-free in southern California?). And expectations... I'm okay with my life being an utter disappointment to my parents. Call it the wisdom of turning a decade older, but I can't live my life to make my parents happy. They are greedy in the kindest way, wanting what they feel is the absolute best for me.

There is no best for me. I am just me and I'm trying to do my own best. The best I can have is kindness and understanding. Or Ryan Reynolds wrapped in a bow. shrug?

As for my Adopt it list of blogs, passion, health, and strangers- I'll call it 2.5/4? Blogs were a bit of a fail but I did start a tumblr! One that I rarely write in... but I started one! It's been a good year for passions. I've dipped my toes in my planning passion and feel that I'll be fully immersed by this time next year. Health is a half. Best lab results I've ever had- but they still suck in comparison to "normal." But personal best ain't bad. And strangers. I've met a lot of great people this year and strengthened my relationships with my friends. I've learned a lot about myself and people in general.

Overall- 2010 has been a really great year. Photo update to follow.

health is more than lab results

2010-05-13T11:19:00.000-07:00

My morning pill party is a constant reminder that youth does not guarantee anything besides a bevy of poor life choices and dramatic reactions. I'm child stuck within the logic of a crippled old woman living in a body trudging through mid-life. 29 is merely a number at this point.

I wonder how unhealthy it is to choose to spend my days fantasizing about all of the impossible possibilities life may choose to pour down on me. To foolishly daydream about all of the good fortunes that will inevitably never come but one always hopes for. Winning the lottery, the perfect well-paying job, the impeccably timed travel opportunities, the chance meeting of the ideal person in a natural setting. Things that may -but most likely won't- happen. Is it a survival tactic or are we merely setting ourselves up for a disappointment that is bigger than what we are all meant to inevitably face.

It's the end of a tiring week, but something worth thinking about.

Skis & Tobaggons make for great adventures.

2010-02-09T10:11:00.001-08:00

The last (and first and only) time I tried skiing was my senior of high school when the German Club (comprised mostly of asians) went on their annual ski trip. Back in 1999 boarding was relatively new, but all of my friends were young and adventurous and went boarding. Rentals for boarding equipment was also a lot more expensive back then, and so I opted for the "learn to ski" package at Mt High. It was a wretched class that I left after 10 minutes and then "taught" myself how to ski down the "intermediate" slope. This basically consisted of me falling off the ski lift every single time, and in a crouched low to the ground (because it was scary to be away from the ground) position with my skis straight, shooting down the mountain. I was 18 and fearless!

Well, as it turns out- I am no longer 18. And Mt. High is NOT Big Bear.

After borrowing pants and renting a jacket/equipment, I fared pretty well on the beginner slopes though I was having difficulty differentiating between stopping and turning. My calves were burning, my knees were aching, I was doing everything wrong- but having a good time. Then I was told that I could conquer the low intermediate mountain- the Summit Run of Big Bear. It's supposedly low intermediate, but what it REALLY is is a straight run down from the top of the damn mountain. Sure it was pretty, sure it was snowing up there, sure the powder was UNBELIEVABLE and it was empty and the run was wide... but it was freaking STEEP.

I ate it about 3 times on the way down (since I couldn't figure out turning/braking) and had to take off my skis a few times to get up (STEEP I tell you). I ALMOST made it down until some snowboarder RAMMED into me (not the other way around thank you very much) and I basically flipped over him and landed in the (VERY soft) snow with my legs in opposite directions and a pain in my right knee. Stacy said she heard someone say "Oh shit" and she turned around in anticipation of some fun accident, only to see me flat on my back with my skis jumbled about. At that point, I was far enough down to see the end of the run, but it was too steep to put my skis back on to get down (I had to take them off once I fell). I tried to carry my gear down, but it was too steep and I was too tired and my knee was hurting too much. So I just sat there. In the pretty snow. And took pictures.

Stacy had to board down and get someone to help me. They found me (20 minutes later) and had to TOBAGGON me down the rest of the mountain. I was literally strapped into a tobaggon and then this (very hot) Snow Summit guy snowboarded me down. On the tobaggon. It was indeed humiliating and a bit ridiculous, and I was pretty much done after that.

I think I made a valiant effort at this skiing business, but will definitely invest in some lessons for next time.

P.S.- that question about where are all the hot men in socal? They're boarding/skiing.

It was a good eye candy sorta day.

growing up?

2010-01-29T10:48:00.000-08:00

I am a girl who is ultimately driven by her emotions. I have so many of these damn "feelings" floating around in me and really- you 'd think I would have learned by now that "feelings" are NOT your friends. But here I am at 29, letting emotions and feelings and attachments rule my life. I get in over my head because "it feels right," and then have to deal with the inevitable fall-out. Seriously, wtf is wrong with me? I'm supposed to be an adult. An adult, damn it! One with good judgement skills and enough brains to figure out life. To my inner teen, I BEG you to be PLEASE LEAVE.

I've decided that I don't want a "mate." So to all of you kind souls (including my parents, who aren't so kind about it at all) who are praying for my future "mate," can you please alter your prayers?

I'd rather have a LOT of money. A lot of money trumps mate every day of the week.

How's THAT for lack of emotion?

best update ever? probably not.

2010-01-28T15:11:00.000-08:00

oh the things i can get mo to do for me. i ended up buying that monstrosity on my head btw, but ironically wore it more outside of disneyland.

i printed out 800 pages of passionatepitome xanga entries for my newest project.

i've decided instead of making a new blog for the road to my dirty 30's... i'll just use this site for it. list to be uploaded very soon.

be excited!

this was, indeed, a pointless entry. but all the blog tips out there say i need to update often. well. here you go.

Ditch It / Adopt It / 2010 Edition

2010-01-14T11:14:00.000-08:00

Time for THE LIST(s). Last year, I opted to ditch soda/hate/cussing/paranoia/eating out. I did well with the soda, the hate, and the paranoia. Cussing & eating out have made a rampant return.

I also decided to adopt productivity/fob/culture/states/God. Productivity & visiting new states came to a standstill after my car accident drama, and the fob love went away after I got my Korea trip out of my system. Culture was a big hit last year. I was really lucky to see some amazing productions and even added some live music and art into the mix. God... well. We're always working on that.

DITCH IT

1. nostalgia

I am motivated by nostalgia and it's proven to be a waste of time. I don't want to keep friendships/habits/a particular way of thinking just because of nostalgia. I want to learn to cut ties when needed and to stop wasting my time/resources/heart on matters that don't yield anything in return.

2. regret

I am done regretting my past and the future I will never have. I'm going to deal with what I have made for myself and not allow regret to stop me from moving forward.

3. debt

I want to be debt-free by the end of this year. That will mean less adventures for this year, but nothing says "you're an adult" like financial freedom at the ripe old age of 30.

4. expectations

I used to blame my parents for their unrealistic and unfair expectations of who I was to be as a person. But I've now come to realize that in the end, I'm the only one can set, follow,ignore expectations for myself. So I'm going to ditch them behind, and vow just to be a happy person who loves others.

ADOPT IT

1. Blogs

It's the return of the blogs! I've always loved blogging and while I may have lost my skills (and readers), I shall dedicate 2010 to a revival! Public or secret, I shall give them my full attention and hopefully, others will do the same.

2. Passion

I want to cultivate and indulge in my passion for story-telling. I want to read,watch,hear,write,feel stories.I will dedicate this year to fueling my passion for creativity, as well as my appreciate for others' passion projects.

3. Health

I want to be a conscious eater, choosing local/organic/humanely raised. I want to take care of my body so it will take care of me. I want to have my diseases under control.

4. Strangers

As much as I'm ditching nostalgia and the crap that it's brought to my life, I am still hopeful for those I have yet to meet! I want to meet new people and be placed in situations that are outside my comfort zone. I want to live, love, and learn.

I want to have an amazing 2010.

Locked up at the Cliffs

2010-01-12T10:52:00.000-08:00

I was in SD for work, and Dr. Kkang is always my SD Adventure buddy. We always hit up The Cliffs and Tea Station and chat life. I'm always amazed by all the changes in SD each and every time I'm there. Example?

They now close the gates to the cliff. It's no longer available 24/7. This means Kkang and I were locked out. So you see that fence? We had to jump that. Please take note that we are not 18 and I am operating on a full load of holiday weight gain.

I can now cross "jump a fence" off my Dirty Thirty Bucket List.

Adopt it list coming soon!

Privacy? Psha.

2010-01-06T12:52:00.000-08:00

I would like to take the time to say that I have the best friends EVER. They are considerate, kind, generous and loving. Not to mention kind of not smart. Because now that I have this camera- I'll be documenting every single thing we do. HA! Joke's on you guys! But in all honesty, how great is this?! I can have picture updates now! Whoo hoo! I thought about making this blog private, but let's be real. Since when was I a private person? I must say, getting closer to adulthood (I'm not really there yet), I do see the need for privacy. So I've deleted all of my facebook albums (except mobile uploads, my dying dog, and my ugly toes) and made some of the crazy notes private. I figure, it's hard to really take ALL of Inee in without warning. No need to expose all this crazy to the facebook world. Who else agrees that facebook was a lot more fun when it was just your real friends? At the same time, I've having a GRAND OLE TIME catching up fb style with long-lost friends. And with people whom I honestly don't remember. But they sure do remember me. That's frightening. A new year, a new list. As per tradition, I shall be posting my Adopt It list after my birthday. You're all coming right?

XOXO

(i started reading the books before there was ever a TV show, so yes. I am being original)

Bay Area Inee?

2009-11-05T18:55:00.000-08:00

All throughout undergrad, people would say that I was a "bay area" girl. I never really knew what that meant and found myself a bit offended after my first couple of visits up north.

The first time was in my Daewoo (filled with 5 girls, some whom I detested) for an event that no one was looking forward to. It was a crowded and nerve-wracking time filled with disappointment and a bit of nausea. And my car was NEVER the same after driving it full speed up the grapevine .

My second visit was worst than the first. It included some all time personal low moments complete with utter embarrassment, unexpected backstabbing, hours of waiting, and an overnight stay at the San Jose airport.

Needless to say, I was NOT a fan of northern California and all its ways and was sick of hearing people telling me that I would LOVE living up there.

I've taken a few more trips since undergrad and have tried to keep an open mind. I've had some great dim sum, took a tourist boat ride around the golden gate bridge, explored some great breakfast places, and enjoyed all the suburbia that Burlingame had to offer. And somewhere along the line, I think I got a bit hooked.

The fresh air, intelligent people, public transportation, great food, the ability to actively lead an organic/sustainable/healthy lifestyle, the lack of LA trendiness & superficiality ... I dunno. I can really see myself living there.

Starting new, growing, becoming, being? I'm a nicer person up there. I feel the importance of educating myself. I love having conversations with 70 year-old women about how much we love Green Day's American Idiot. I love seeing the ocean without tanning bodies showcasing an eating disorder. I love that I wore leggings as pants with bows on my shoes and a fob hat and no one looked twice.

And I love being around old friends. And the possibility of meeting new ones.

What do you think world? Is Inee a "bay area" girl?

Make it Make Sense

2009-10-16T01:59:00.000-07:00

Having a Blackberry has changed my life. I no longer have to stare at the floor when waiting for the shuttle/friends/a table at Sugarfish. I can BBM stalk my friends and update facebook and add to the flood of inane twittering behavior. Best of all, I too can fool myself into believing that I am important and that my heart may actual stop if I put down the phone and smile at a stranger.

Technology has made us into complete assholes.

Blogs, Facebook photo uploads, Twitter, Gchat - it's made us a bit socially inept. Our face to face time with other humans is rarely uninterrupted by our affordable smart phones, which ironically give us access to the outside world while shutting us out from the personal world. Are we so important? Do we really have so many world shaking facts to state?

Put down your phone. You're not that important. That email/bbm/text/twitter/fb update can't be more interesting than spending time with the human being across from you. And if it is, then you should get up and leave and stop wasting time.

Efficiency is our new best friend. But let's not mistake efficiency for a general lack of manners.

I will try to be better. I won't check my phone when I'm out with my friends. Remember life when we would only allow emergency phone calls to interrupt our time with one another? Why should those who aren't willing to put in face to face time be given preference? It doesn't make sense.

Some other things that don't make sense. Why LA girls wear leggings as pants and boots that don't cover their toes. Why the Restaurant Week menu at SugarFISH is a $1.50 cheaper than their og menu when all they've done is replaced the hamachi with shrimp. Why I have 200+ albums on facebook available for my 500+ friends when the number of people I actually keep in touch with waver around 20. Why UCI has decided to furlough me when my paycheck comes 100% from grants. Why it took me so long to come back.

I'm back. Let's make sense of it.

i win.

2009-03-03T22:54:00.000-08:00

i just got back from life plaza on a tuesday evening at 10:30pm.
i ran into a very small asian girl dressed in something like the above.

why did she feel compelled to be dressed in something like that in rowland heights on a tuesday night at life plaza?

i was dressed like this.

Ben, Christy, Blake, and Andy said it best...

2009-03-03T00:16:00.000-08:00

God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him.

I find myself asking God to give me the desire to be most satisfied in Him.
Not to BE most satisfied in Him.
But just to just have that desire.

My friends are getting laid off, taking steps towards independence, moving to foreign countries for love, moving back home from foreign countries to love, becoming more educated, giving birth to new lives, staying stuck for the sake of security, buying homes, cementing their careers, re-evaluating, in denial, planning the rest of their lives... and the list continues.

And all I can manage to do is to pray for the desire to be wholly satisfied in God.

Get well, Inee. Get well.

dead car, alive spirit

2009-02-13T11:55:00.000-08:00

God allowed me to walk away from that with a broken collarbone, nothing more.

I'm going to take some more time to reflect on what I've learned from this experience. There's a lot and I'm still letting that settle. All in all? Drive carefully, defensively and safely.

I was driving on the 57S Sunday night. The road was dry (thank God) and there was no traffic (TG). The car in front of me swerved out of the lane and the next thing I saw was a white car stopped in front of me. I hit it, the airbags deployed, my car spun, another car hit my driver's side and I finally stopped a few lanes down.

The white car had some kind of engine failure and was just chilling in the far left lane. Not smart kids. Not smart.

I walked away with a broken collarbone and a lot of random bruises. I'm thankful that I didn't break anything else and am praying for a full and relatively painless recovery. Kaiser Lakeview is a horrid, horrid place. I do not recommend anyone going there. Their ER didn't take xrays or check for concussions (despite the bump on my head). I knew there was something wrong with my collarbone and three days later I finally got xrays taken that confirmed the fracture. I'm getting surgery next week to get a titanium plate put in and then will be in a sling for 6-8 weeks. That means no driving for 6-8 weeks.

Please come to DB to play with me!!!

a conversation with shawn.

2009-02-06T13:58:00.000-08:00

Shawn: yeah - but people are wired different ways

part of me suspects that you enjoy your "dark" times because it causes you to indulge in your "happy" times even more

me: gawd

i'm a basketcase!
Shawn: haha

yes, yes you are

no doubt about it

no use denying it

truth is truth.

old is bad

2009-01-27T11:27:00.000-08:00

another issue with dating "later" in life. i suppose for people dating when they've gone through most of their lives, they're more lenient. they've been through hardships and impossible situations and have come up knowing what's important and having learned how to deal with life. but for those dating in their late twenties/early thirties- we don't have the life experience.

all we have is an ideal of what we would like built up in our heads and the bitter slap of reality that this person with his/her perfect ideals and history and occupation and upbringing and current state- may not really exist.

we are reaching a critically selfish point in our lives and the thought of having to "settle" because that person hasn't checked off all of our requirements doesn't seem so silly. after all, the world is full of people, the sea full of fish. why must we settle?

i think this may be the beginning of a slow path towards unhappiness.

a miracle.

2009-01-24T10:00:00.000-08:00

how do people date later in life? when i think of the 27 years of history that makes me who i am, i cringe. how do you share 27 years of failures and mistakes and silly quirks to another human being who also has another impossible amount of years to explain to you? how is it that in this chaotic world you find someone who fits a list of qualifications you didn't even know you were keeping, while completing the same list for that other person, and then be in the right place at the right time in life and then to like each other together? being in love is nothing short of a miracle.

i learned to not regret, to take everything that i've experienced as another stepping stone towards becoming a better person and now... i worry everyday that i'm not growing fast enough. i'm not close enough to that end goal. there is so much more to do and until then, i feel like it's not fair to pursue anything else. i have to fix me before i can even think about exposing myself to a situation where i have to explain 27 years as well as my current state.

i'm nothing short of a patient suffering from a long-term (possibly fatal) disease. i don't know when i'll be cured or if i'll ever make it, only to die in a horrific twist of fate.

i look at the 27 years behind me and the mistakes are clear. the mistakes have also made me who i am today, but some parts of me today are better left unclaimed. those same mistakes have also strengthened me and hopefully imparted some wisdom (because i'd like to think i'm not a complete idiot). and while i hope to see myself as a half of a pair for the rest of my time on earth, i have no idea how i'm going to get there. to be able to overcome this massive amount of information that needs to passed on so that i may be completely understood; wholly loved and accepted.

i guess that's where God's grace fits in. i REALLY HOPE that's where God's grace fits in.

but in the end, i'm afraid that there may be way too much INEE for one person to handle.

burst of reality

2009-01-16T08:29:00.001-08:00

my gchat msg said : DBHS c/o '99 reunion....

and i get this as a response.

Grace: omg ur old hahahaha

Sent at 8:24 AM on Friday

me: thanks, grace.

Santa Ana Stories

2009-01-12T23:16:00.000-08:00

The infamous winds were introduced to me at a young age, and ironically not even in person. Steve Martin had just starred in "The LA Story" along with a ridiculously young SJP and some older woman with a British accent. The storyline of this 80's flick escapes me now but I'm pretty sure it involved a tuba player, a talking freeway sign, and a pivotal scene where Steve Martin mocks southern Californians by driving his tiny convertible to his bff's place- three houses down the street.

In the movie, the winds were magical. It caused electrical freeway signs to offer wisdom to those who were lost, soulmates were found, and the sunsets were beautiful. The weather was balmy and caused people to have passionate sex in bushes. People broke out of their comfort zones and were able to live without inhibitions and achieve forgotten life goals.

The Santa Anas now make me feel antsy. They make me want to drive into the moonless night and scream lyrics into the roaring wind. They urge me to search for my forgotten passion and demand improvement from all ends.

2008 was filled with extravagance. I don't regret a single show, trip, meal or frivolous purchase. The Santa Anas would approve of my year of exploration. It was merely another year proving who I am not. I am starting 2009 armed with everything I need to start anew, and I have to say; I'm pretty darn excited.

Highlights of 2008: the beginning of Ktown Krazy, my 15 Hollywood Bowl shows, American Teen & other Indie flicks, my 10 musicals/plays, 2 NYC trips, exciting new restaurants, my new and "improved" eyes, a change for the US, Korea after 20 long years, CA statute of limitations, karma biting an exbf in the arse (gotta love that).